Negotiating Happiness

What do you really want?

Let's pretend we don't know. But we know.

Deep down, it's already clear. What would let us breathe easier. Where we'd go, if no one were watching.

It's not about finding the answer. We've had the answer for a long time. It's about how much it scares us.

Because following it means hurting someone. Giving up something we cared about. Going back to the start. Standing there while the others, the ones from before, watch us become someone else.

So every day we negotiate a small piece of our happiness. We give up a little of what we want, so we don't have to pay it all at once.

And we notice. We see what we're doing. And we keep doing it.

Something inside insists, asks to be heard. We answer that we're busy. Later. Not now.

Then we tell ourselves it's a matter of timing. That the moment will come. As if it were something delivered to your door.

It doesn't come.

That moment is something you become. The day staying who you no longer are weighs more than the fear of letting it go.